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Woody Allen Quotes about Funny

All Woody Allen Quotes Age Anxiety Art Atheism Atheist Baseball Basketball Beer Boredom Character Childhood Children Choices College Comedy Concentration Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Desire Divorce Drama Driving Dying Education Enthusiasm Failing Falling In Love Feelings Fighting Film Food Fun Funny quotes Genius Getting Older Giving God Hate Heart Heaven Hell Hilarious Home House Human Nature Humanity Hurt Imagination Immortality Inspiration Inspirational Inspiring Kissing Laughter Liberty Life Logic Love Love And Death Love Life Luck Lying Mankind Marriage Maturity Meaning Of Life Money Morning Pain Past Philosophy Politics Quality Reading Reality Regret Reincarnation Religion Running Sarcasm School Science Sleep Smoking Stupidity Style Success Suffering Sunday Talent Time Today Tragedy Universe Waiting Wall War Water Wife Winning Writing

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Funny, Confidence, Witty

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Funny, Marriage, Lying

Without Feathers "The Scrolls" (1975) See Bible 167

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Love, Funny, Life

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

"Standup Comic". A CD compilation of Allen comedy routines from 1964-1968, 1999.

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.

Funny, Depression, Witty

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Funny, Life, Witty

Epigraph to Eric Lax Woody Allen and his Comedy (1975)

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

Love, Funny, Beautiful

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Inspirational, Funny, Death

Quoted in Eric Lax, Woody Allen and His Comedy (1975)

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Inspirational, Funny, Inspiring

Without Feathers "The Early Essays" (1975)

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Funny, Life, Witty

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Funny, Life, Humor

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

Funny, Girl, Crazy

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

"Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Funny, Time, Inspiration

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Funny, Doors, Water Skiing

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

Funny, Birthday, Witty

"Fictional character: Pearl". "Interiors", www.imdb.com. 1978.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Funny, Witty, Teacher

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

Funny, Life, Mushrooms

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

Funny, Hilarious, Witty

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Funny, Death, Suicide

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Funny, Anniversary, Sex

"I give up" by Emily Wilson, www.theguardian.com. August 5, 2003.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Funny, Witty, Humorous

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Funny, Dirty, Book

"Bananas". www.imdb.com. 1971.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

Funny, Humorous, Science

Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Funny, Death, Believe

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