Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 3

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"