Henny Youngman Quotes about Wife

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Take my wife... Please!

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.