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Mark Twain Quotes about Funny - Page 6

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Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Marriage
Mark Twain (1979). “Early Tales & Sketches, Vol. 1: 1851-1864”, p.180, Univ of California Press

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

Mark Twain
Funny, Believe, Humor
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.12, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Writing
"Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend".

The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.

Mark Twain
Funny, Running, People
Mark Twain (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)”, p.5637, Delphi Classics

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Mark Twain
Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

Mark Twain
Funny, Humor, Heaven

It is no harm to be an ass, if one is content to bray and not kick.

Mark Twain
Funny, Humorous, Ass
Mark Twain, General Press (2016). “The Complete Works of Mark Twain: All 13 Novels, Short Stories, Poetry and Essays”, p.1429, GENERAL PRESS

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

Mark Twain
Funny, Humorous, Heart
Mark Twain (1992). “Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays, Volume 1: 1852-1890”, p.725, Library of America

His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.

Mark Twain
Funny, Money, Mines

Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.

Mark Twain
Funny, Respect, Truth
Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.117, Courier Corporation

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Mark Twain
Funny, Inspirational Life, Book
Following the Equator (1897) ch. 27

It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.

Mark Twain
Funny, Wise, Fathers Day
Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.121, Courier Corporation

Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" - which is but a matter of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Pull all your eggs in the one basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET." - Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar

Mark Twain
Funny, Wise, Money
Pudd'nhead Wilson (1894) ch. 15

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

Mark Twain
Funny, Senior, Laughter
Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.389, Courier Corporation

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.

Mark Twain
Funny, Travel, Humor
The Innocents Abroad (1869) ch. 27

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

Mark Twain
Funny, Christian, Religious

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.

Mark Twain
Funny, Sarcastic, Way
Mark Twain (2010). “Mark Twain's Own Autobiography: The Chapters from the North American Review”, p.231, Univ of Wisconsin Press

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

Mark Twain
Funny, Years, Ass
Mark Twain (2004). “The Portable Mark Twain”, p.572, Penguin

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

Mark Twain
Funny, Military, Humorous
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.60, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

Mark Twain
Funny, Writing, Humor

Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our day of electric wires and water-ballast we turn it around: Man waits not for time nor tide.

Mark Twain
Funny, Time, Men
Mark Twain (1897). “More Tramps Abroad”

...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting.

Mark Twain
Funny, Humorous, Names
Mark Twain (2015). “Mark Twain's Essays: Top Essays”, p.131, 谷月社

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

Mark Twain
Funny, Humorous, Years
Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.311, Courier Corporation

I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it; & the simple truth is, I detest it. Not mildly, but will all my heart. To me an opera is the very climax & cap-stone of the absurd, the fantastic the unjustifiable. I hate the very name of opera - partly because of the nights of suffering I have endured in its presence, & partly because I want to love it and can't.

Mark Twain
Funny, Hate, Humorous

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