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Mark Twain Quotes about Funny - Page 2

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A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain
Funny, Motivational, Business
Mark Twain, R. Kent Rasmussen (1997). “The quotable Mark Twain: his essential aphorisms, witticisms & concise opinions”, McGraw-Hill/Contemporary

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

Mark Twain
Funny, Life, Sarcastic
"Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

Mark Twain
Funny, Believe, Hands

What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.

Mark Twain
Funny, Clever, Men
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.35, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Mark Twain
Funny, Sympathy, Spiritual
Mark Twain (2012). “Autobiographical Writings”, p.338, Penguin

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain
Funny, Life, Sarcastic
Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.31, St. Martin's Press

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

Mark Twain
Funny, Hilarious, Men

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic
Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.88, St. Martin's Press

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain
Love, Funny, Motivational
Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.121, Courier Corporation

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Mark Twain
Funny, Witty, Humorous
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.30, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Life
Pudd'nhead Wilson ch. 6, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" (1894)

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Mark Twain
Funny, Life, Depression
Mark Twain, Bob Blaisdell (2013). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain”, p.31, Courier Corporation

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Mark Twain
Funny, Sports, Inspiration

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Mark Twain
Funny, Cute, God
Mark Twain (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)”, p.9262, Delphi Classics

great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.

Mark Twain
Funny, Kindness, Divorce

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Mark Twain
Funny, Bible, Sarcastic
Mark Twain, John Sutton Tuckey (1980). “The Devil's Race-track: Mark Twain's Great Dark Writings : the Best from Which was the Dream? and Fables of Man”, p.337, Univ of California Press

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Humorous
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.13, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Mark Twain
Funny, Sports, Sarcastic
Attributed in Reader's Digest, Dec. 1948. Commonly attributed to Twain, but the Stevens Point (Wis.) Daily Journal, 19 Dec. 1913, printed the following without attribution to any named individual: "Golf, of course, has been defined as a good walk spoiled."

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic
Quoted in More Maxims of Mark, ed. Merle Johnson (1927)

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Mark Twain
Funny, Life, Inspiration
Mark Twain (2008). “10 Books in 1”, p.684, Shoes & Ships & Sealing Wax

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Mark Twain
Funny, Life, Death
Pudd'nhead Wilson ch. 9, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" (1894)

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Motivational
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.53, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Mark Twain
Funny, Sarcastic, Money
Mark Twain (2012). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations”, p.33, Courier Corporation

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.

Mark Twain
Funny, Religious, Purpose

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Life
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.22, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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