What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.
I don't have a nine-to-five brain.
I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.
I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.
I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.
I'm a comic because I don't want to do the nine-to-five, I have to modify that and say I'm a comic because I have an inability to do a nine-to-five.
After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn't be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I'm looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.
True Yankees are born, not made.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
The anxiety is, "Are they going to come?" and when you get there and it's full you say, "I'm good. I can stop freaking out." But when it's four days out and they're scrambling to find more radio shows and Good Morning Phoenix and all these weird shows, then that gets very tiring.
I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.
Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.
I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.
I know content-wise I leave nothing to chance. I have no anxiety about what I'm going to do once I'm out on stage.
If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.
But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.
All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week... It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.
This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure.
If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.
Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.
If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.
Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?
Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, "It was pretty good." If anyone thinks my show was "pretty good," then I've completely failed. I think every comic should think that.
