Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 2

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.