David Sedaris Quotes - Page 7

I am a person who feels guilty for crimes I have not committed, or have not committed in years. The police search the train station for a serial rapist and I cover my face with a newspaper, wondering if maybe I did it in my sleep. The last thing I stole was an eight-track tape, but to this day I'm unable to enter a store without feeling like a shoplifter. It's all the anxiety with none of the free stuff.

I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.

Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn't have to be a big thing; in fact, most often, it's just the opposite.

Neighbors would pass, and when they honked I'd remember that I was in my Speedo. Then I'd wrap my towel like a skirt around my waist and remind my sisters that this was not girlish but Egyptian, thank you very much.

Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that, like Mom used to say, sooner or later something's gonna get you.

I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story.

I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.

I always used to reach for the cigarette when the phone rang, and I figured nobody would ever call me in Tokyo. The time difference is so profound it's, like, already September in Tokyo, and I figured nobody would be able to work it out.

I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.

Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.

I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.

When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.

In Paris you're always surrounded by French people.

When I taught, a lot of my students weren't big readers, so they would write something and I realized that they thought it belonged in a book. Like, they didn't know what the inside of a book looked like, you know what I mean?

People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country.

Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.

Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered.

I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.

I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything.

Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.

Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie.

But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live.

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.