I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
