Augusten Burroughs Quotes about Children

The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons.

The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons.

Augusten Burroughs

Funny, Children, Likes

Augusten Burroughs (2012). “Magical Thinking”, p.158, Atlantic Books Ltd

I saw a monkey walking on a leash and thought it was an ugly foreign child.

Augusten Burroughs

Children, Ugly, Monkeys

Augusten Burroughs (2008). “A Wolf at the Table: A Memoir of My Father”, p.13, Macmillan

As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he'd promised her, making the father angry?

Augusten Burroughs

Girl, Jesus, Children

Augusten Burroughs (2011). “You Better Not Cry: True Stories for Christmas”, p.13, Atlantic Books Ltd

As I sat in the hot, salty water, I thought, 'No wonder Mr. Bubble always gives me a urinary tract infection and hives.' Mr. Bubble was for common people. Mr. Bubble was for my so-called brother, their true child. I was a Vanderbilt. I should bathe in condiments and seasonings.

Augusten Burroughs

Brother, Children, People

Augusten Burroughs (2012). “Magical Thinking”, p.23, Atlantic Books Ltd

Never work with children, puppies or bulimics.

Augusten Burroughs

Children, Puppy

Augusten Burroughs (2011). “Dry”, p.227, Atlantic Books Ltd

My instinct was always have your gun in your hand. Especially when you are telling somebody to do something. But, in fact, the police academy discourages this. They feel your gun should rarely, if ever, be brought out of its holster. Most certainly not when children are involved, which is exactly when I saw myself using my gun most often. A truant teenager loitering outside a movie theater is going to be far more motivated to return to school when he has the barrel of a .45 pressed against his cheek.

Augusten Burroughs

Children, Teenager, School

All children should be loved, protected, nurtured --emotionally and intellectually-- respected, and never, under any circumstances, underestimated.

Augusten Burroughs

Children, Should, Circumstances

Augusten Burroughs (2012). “This Is How: Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness, Spinsterhood, Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude & More. For Young and Old Alike.”, p.94, Macmillan

As a child, I was never drawn toward depraved or extreme situations; I really wanted a normal little childhood. Unfortunately, that's just not what happened.

Augusten Burroughs

Children, Childhood, Racist